How Both Sexes Can Win, Part Two
From the Series—Battle of the Sexes
March 15, 2007This evotional continues the Battle of the Sexes series.
What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn’t it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? 2 You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous for what others have, and you can’t possess it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don’t have what you want is that you don’t ask God for it. 3 And even when you do ask, you don’t get it because your whole motive is wrong — you want only what will give you pleasure. James 4:1-3
The KJV says, “That ye may consume it upon your lusts.”
A few years ago I was watching a Redskins game at a sports bar and I witnessed the closest thing to a bar room brawl I’ve ever seen. I was sitting next to a couple huge guys. They were pretty rowdy during the whole game. Then after the game they both went to the restroom, but they left their keys on the table. While they were gone some smaller guys sat down at the table. Then the big guys came back and it got ugly. These guys started arguing about the table. And finally the bouncer stepped in. And one of these big guys shoved him. So the bouncer tackles this guy and cracks his head on the floor so the back of his head is bleeding all over. Then his friend sucker punches the bouncer. And I’m like three feet away from the whole thing. It was surreal. I don’t know how your brain works, but my brain starts doing play-by-play as if I’m not really there. The fight lasted about three minutes, but it felt like a ten-round bout. It was bloody. It was messy. And honestly, I was embarrassed for these guys. Scared of them, but embarrassed for them! Here are these big guys acting like little babies because someone took their table. The crazy thing is that the Redskins won the game! I’d hate to see them after a loss.
But I think that incident is exactly what James 4 is talking about. We have these crazy desires inside of us—pride, lust, and anger—that cause us to do crazy things. So we fight over the silliest things. And part of us feels a little moral superiority when we see guys like that do things like that, but we do the same thing. Our fights may be more verbal and less physical. Our fights may be more civilized. But what couple hasn’t had a blow-out fight over the silliest little thing.
I read a fascinating sociological study this week. It found that that in 75% of husband-wife fights, they are actually fighting over different issues and don’t realize it. That is funny and sad. It’s tough to resolve a conflict if you don’t even know what you’re fighting about.
Most of us don’t have enough emotional intelligence to really dissect our own feelings—why we feel the way we feel. Then you throw another person into the mix. Let me come right out and say it: most relational problems aren’t relational problems. Most relational problems are personal problems. You just happen to be in a relationship.
And James gets to the heart of the issue and the heart of the issue is this: most of our problems trace back to some form of selfishness. We have to have our way. You have to be right. You have to be in control. It’s my way or the highway.
Meeting Needs
Let me share a discovery I’ve made in the last couple years. It probably won’t seem very profound or life-changing, but it has been a paradigm shift for me.
I’ve told you before that when I get into an emotional slump, nine times out of ten it’s because I zoom in on something I’m not happy about and I need to zoom out and refocus on something I’m grateful for. In the same sense, when I get into a relational slump, nine times out of ten it’s because I zoom in on getting my needs met and I need to zoom out and refocus on meeting someone else’s needs.
I’m absolutely convinced it is the key to healthy and happy marriage—each spouse focusing on meeting each other’s needs instead of getting your needs met. You try to out love, out care, out share, and out give. It’s giving instead of getting. And it is the difference between lust and love. Lust focuses on getting what it wants. Love focuses on giving what it has. I just think some of us have the wrong goal in relationships. If we were really honest, our unstated goal is getting our needs met.
If we converted half the energy we spend trying to change others into changing ourselves we would experience a remarkable transformation. But Leo Tolstoy said, “Everybody thinks about changing humanity, but nobody thinks about changing himself.”
Let me tell you what each of us needs. And this is one of those themes I come back to all the time as a pastor and as a parent: each one of us need a Copernican revolution.
In the 16<sup>th</sup> century, an astronomer by the name of Nicolaus Copernicus made a revolutionary discovery. Up until that point, it was assumed by most people that the sun revolved around the earth. But Copernicus was heliocentric—he believed the earth actually revolved around the sun. And he was right.
I think all of us need a Copernican revolution—we need to come to terms with the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around us!
I think we need a Copernican Revolution in our marriages. If you go into marriage wanting to get your needs met it is a formula for misery. Now the truth is that God created marriage to help meet some of our needs. And part of marriage is depending on your spouse to meet those needs. But let me tell you the difference between a happy and unhappy marriage. An unhappy marriage is two people who are trying to get the marriage to revolve around them and meet their needs. A happy marriage is two unselfish people who are trying to meet each other’s need.
I honestly think marriage is a form of sanctification. It helps us cure us of our selfishness. I think kids complete the education.
So we need a Copernican revolution, but it doesn’t come easy because all of us were babies and babies are the center of the universe. The world revolved around us—we were fed and changed and bathed and burped.
A few years ago I got an email titled Introduction to Property Law from a Toddler’s Perspective. This is a freebie for parents.
If I like it, it’s mine
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine
If it looks like mine, it’s mine
If I saw it first, it’s mine
If you’re having fun with it, it’s mine
If you lay it down, it’s mine
If it’s broken, it’s yours.
The Talmud, the Jewish commentary on the Old Testament, says there are four types of people in the world. Those who say:
1. What’s yours is mine
2. What’s yours is yours
3. What’s mine is mine
4. What’s mine is yours
Most people fall into the first three categories. But Christ Followers need to follow the example Jesus set. He said, “I did not come to be served, but to serve.” In other words, He came to meet needs. It was his mission. It was his motive. It was his modus operandi.
Let me ask you a question. Think about your relationships. And be honest with yourself. Are you trying to get your needs met or are you trying to meet needs? Are you focused on what you can get out of the relationship? Or are you focused on what you can bring into the relationship?
I think we have a selfish default setting. And we need to change our operating system in a sense. Speaking of operating systems, here’s a little something for our married couples.
Dear Tech Support,
I recently upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShips 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is only limited in effectiveness.
Here’s the response from technical support.
This is a very common problem women complain about. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an Entertainment package. However, Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do Not, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will only run Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you luck.
Selfishness
There are two extremes in life. Selfishness is acting as if the entire world belongs to you. Stewardship is acting as if nothing belongs to you.
There is a fascinating passage in The Screwtape Letters. The book is a C.S. Lewis classic that records the fictional correspondence between the Devil and a novice demon named Wormwood. The Devil mentors Wormwood on some of his age-old tactics. The Devil says, “The more claims on life, therefore, that your patient can be induced to make, the more often he will feel injured and, as a result, ill-tempered. The sense of ownership in general is always to be encouraged. The humans are always putting up claims to ownership, which sound equally funny in heaven and in Hell. And all the time the joke is that the word ‘Mine’ in its fully possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being about anything. In the long run either Our Father or the Enemy will say ‘Mine’ of each thing that exists, and especially of each man.”
All of us have trace elements of selfishness, but we need to remind ourselves that nothing belongs to us!
The 100/1 Principle
Here’s the bottom line: you’ll have fulfilling relationships if you don’t learn to manage your desires. That is where it starts. If you haven’t had a Copernican revolution you need one. You need to do a relationship experiment. You need to totally focus on what you can give instead of what you can get for the next month. You’ll occasionally slip back into your selfish default setting. But I really think this has the potential to revolutionize friendships and relationships.
In their book, Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti, Bill and Pam Ferrel introduce a great concept. They call it the 100/1 principle. A couple was having problems with their marriage and wife came in for counseling. She said, “There’s nothing here! No spark, or sizzle—nothing! I have no feelings. I want out of the marriage!”
Bill Ferrel suggested that they pray and ask God to show her one positive quality in her spouse. She prayed about it and the next day she told him that she’d thought of one. He said, “What is it?” She said, “He’s still here.” He said, “That’s not much but let’s run with it.” He said, “I want you to focus 100% of your energy on that one positive trait.”
To make a long story short, it revolutionized the relationship. Your focus determines your reality. I love the way Gary Smalley said it a few years ago. He said most marriages are 80% good and 20% bad. The difference between a happy and unhappy marriage is your focus.
If you’re focused on your unmet needs you’re going to be miserable. If you focus on meeting needs it becomes a challenge, a game, a goal.
Four Prescriptions
Let me close by giving you four prescriptions.
A few years ago I read a great story about Arthur Gordon titled “The Turn of the Tide.” It’s a story about his spiritual renewal. He went through a season of life where he seemed to flat line. He lost his energy and enthusiasm for life. And he felt like he was at a stalemate spiritually.
Gordon actually went to see a medical doctor and his doctor couldn’t find any physical problems, but he asked if he’d be willing to follow his instructions for a day. Gordon said he would and the doctor told him to spend the next day where he was happiest as a child. He told Gordon he couldn’t read or write. He wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone or listen to anything. Then the doctor wrote out four prescriptions and told him to open one at nine AM, one at Noon, one at three o’clock in the afternoon, and one at six PM.
Arthur Gordon spent the following day at the beach.
At nine AM he opened the first prescription. It said, “Listen Carefully.” At first he thought his doctor was crazy. How can you listen for three hours? But after three hours of listening to the sound of the waves and the birds and the silence he felt like it recalibrated his spirit.
At noon he opened the next prescription. It said, “Try Reaching Back.” He spent the next three hours reflecting on his life.
At three o’clock in the afternoon he opened the third prescription. It said, “Examine your motives.” At first he was sort of defensive, but eventually he just took a deep look at why he did what he did.
At six o’clock he opened the fourth and final prescription. It said, “Write Your worries in the sand.” He took a broken seashell and wrote his worries in the sand. By the time he finished the tide was coming in and it literally washed away his worries.
I don’t think it’d hurt any of us to spend a day and take those four prescriptions, but the third question is the only I want you to focus on. Examine your motives.
If you’re married, what is the driving motivation? Do you need a Copernican revolution? Do you need to refocus on meeting your spouse’s needs?
If you’re single, what is your dating motivation? Is it because you’re looking for validation? Are you looking for what you can get out of it? I think the desire to date is normal and natural. But most people date for the wrong reasons. The most common mistake is thinking that another person will somehow complete you. We go into the relationship looking for what we can get out of it instead of what we can bring into it.
It was during the three hour period of examining his motives that Arthur Gordon experienced a breakthrough: “In a flash of certainty I realized that if one’s motives are wrong, nothing can be right.”
If you’re motives aren’t right, the relationship will be wrong. But if you’re motives are right, it will turn out alright.