Marriage Myths
From the Series—Boy Meets Girl
February 25, 2003There are lots of misconceptions about marriage. This evotional focuses on ten marriage myths. If you’re single , this evotional is a “ reality check .” If you’re married , it’s a “ check up .”
Marriage Myth #1
Marriage will simplify your life
Singleness is complicated, but marriage won’t uncomplicate your life . Here’s how Paul put it in I Corinthians 7:32-35. He says, “I would like you to be free from concern . An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world --how he can please his wife--and his interests are divided . An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world --how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you , but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
Here’s my interpretation of that passage: marriage will complicate your life . Does that mean marriage is bad? Absolutely not! Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Paul is just saying it like it is: relationships are complicated . Here’s the problem: we want relationships without complications , but you can’t have one without the other!
Marriage won’t simplify your life. It will complicate your life. But complications aren’t bad, they’re just complicated. Lora and I have three kids. Here’s what I’ve learned about having three kids: it’s more complicated than have two kids. And two kids is more complicated than one. And one is more complicated than none. But we made a decision to have kids. We knew it would complicate our lives , but children are a gift from God.
Here is how I describe life with three kids: your joy is multiplied by three and your energy is divided by three . There is so much more joy. And there is so much less energy ! That’s just the way it is. You’re going in three different directions all the time!
Those who are wealthy will tell you that money complicates your life . Those who are successful will tell you that success complicates your life . Complications aren’t bad, they’re just complicated.
On Valentine’s Day, Lora gave me card that captures this concept. It said, “I love it that you married me knowing that it wouldn’t be simple ... I love this sweet complicated togetherness of ours ...I love it. I love you.” That is such a great description of marriage-- “sweet complicated togetherness.”
Marriage Myth #2
Romance Just Happens
A fascinating study was done a few years ago by Dr. Dorothy Tennov. She did a long-range study of the “ in love “ phenomenon and according to her research; the average life span of romantic obsession is two years . I’m sure it’s shorter in some instances and longer in some instances, but on average, romantic obsession lasts two years!
Here’s my advice. When you’re in the romantic obsession stage, enjoy it. But sooner or later romance doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. This may sound unromantic, but romance is hard work . It takes a lot of thought and energy ! And the longer you’re married the more you have to work at it. Sure, there are still moments of unplanned, unscripted, unexpected romance. But more often than not, romance is the result of good planning.
In his book, Thinking for a Living , Joey Reiman tells the story about how he proposed to his wife. It’s definitely worth sharing! He called the Mayor of Atlanta, the news director at CBS, and the Japanese firm that owned the tallest building in Atlanta and came up with a proposal plan .
His girlfriend, Cynthia Good, was a news anchor for CBS in Atlanta. Just before the six o’clock news, the news director told Cynthia that there was white-collar drug bust going down in the penthouse of the IBM tower. He told Cynthia that the Chief of Police was giving her the exclusive interview. With two camera crews, she raced down to the IBM tower. There were twenty police cruisers and a SWAT team outside the building. The SWAT team escorted her to the fiftieth floor and literally knocked down the door to the penthouse. But instead of finding a drug cartel on the other side of the door, she found a dinner set for two, musicians playing, a beautiful view of the sunset out the picture window, and Joey Reiman on one knee! For all you single guys planning a proposal, no pressure!
I’d say that what Joey Reiman did was pretty romatic . I’d also say it took a ton of planning ! Romance doesn’t just happen. You’ve got to work at it.
One of the greatest dangers facing every marriage is a process called familiarization . The Nobel Laureate, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, was once asked about his marriage to his wife Mercedes. His response is fascinating. He said, “ I know her so well now that I have not the slightest idea who she really is. “ Here’s how John O’Donohue describes the process. “Relationships suffer immense numbing through the mechanism of familiarization . We reduce the wildness and mystery of a person to the external, familiar image .”
Proverbs 5:18 says, “May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-may her breasts satisfy you always , may you ever be captivated by her love.” Solomon is saying: may you never succumb to familiarization. May you never lose the wildness and mystery of marriage. May you never take for granted the spouse that God has given to you.
How do you fight against familiarization? Here are two ideas.
According to recent studies, the average married couple spends twenty-seven minutes a week in meaningful conversation. That doesn’t cut it. You’ve got to “ daily reintroduce “ yourselves to each other. Here’s how Scott and Jill Bolinder describe it. “Every day we change as individuals based on our experience that day.” In order to build a growing relationship as a couple, then, we must make time to ‘daily reintroduce’ ourselves to each other . We share the mundane and profound.”
Here’s a second idea: change the routine . John O’Donohue says, “Familiarity can be a quiet death, an arrangement that permits the routine to continue without offering any new challenge or nourishment. “ The way to get out of a rut is to change the routine. Plan a romantic getaway. Get a babysitter and surprise your husband or wife.
Marriage Myth #3
Marriage is a 50/50 Proposition
I love Don Rannikar’s definition of marriage. He says, “Marriage is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. “ Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. Marriage is not about meeting half-way. I’m not saying there isn’t compromise involved, but marriage is so much more than that. Marriage is about giving everything you’ve got to your spouse . It’s a 100/100 proposition.
I Corinthians 7:4 says, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.”
When you get married you no longer belong to you ! Your body belongs to your spouse. It’s a metaphysical mystery , but somehow, in the words of Genesis 2:24, “ they will become one flesh. “
When I was in fourth grade, our church participated in the Awana Olympics and my friend, David Kaminsky, and I competed in the three-legged race . Everyday for weeks, we practiced for our race. We would tie a rope around two of our ankles and run up and down our block practicing our stride. During our training I learned some valuable lessons about three legged races in particular and life in general. A tight tie is better than a loose one --if you don’t have a tight tie you end up going in different directions. You’ve got to keep in stride --you can’t go slower or faster than your partner and you can’t take longer or shorter strides. But here’s major lesson learned: both of you win or both of you lose! Three-legged races are win/win or lose/lose . There is no such thing as win/lose! If one of you falls, both of you are going to fall. If one of you wins, both of you win!
Marriage is a three-legged race . There is no such thing as win/lose in three-legged races. And there is no such thing as win/lose in marriages. You both win or you both lose .
Here’s the logical extrapolation of I Corinthians 7:4: you can’t hurt your spouse without hurting yourself. Why? Because there is no longer “me” and you.” Marriage is a transition from a “ me “ mindset to a “ we “ mindset. We’ve got to grasp this incredible theological truth and metaphysical reality that two have become one. There is no such thing as “my” problem or “your” problem. There is only “our” problem. It’s win/win or lose/lose.
Marriage Myth #4
Sexual Temptation Ends when Marriage Begins
Rick Warren says, “Many Christians are frightened and demoralized by tempting thoughts, feeling guilty that they aren’t ‘beyond’ temptation.” The truth is: you never outgrow temptation . Dan Allendar and Tremper Longman say, “We must never be naïve enough to think of marriage as a safe harbor from the fall. The deepest struggles in life will occur in the most primary relationship affected by the fall: marriage.”
I Corinthians 7:5 says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time , so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
The best defense is a great offense . Sexual satisfaction in marriage is a safeguard against infidelity, but unmet needs open us up to temptation. That’s why Paul tells married partners “do not deprive each other except by mutual consent.”
A few years ago, Wilt Chamberlain announced that he’d had 20,000 different sexual partners. A pastor friend of mine got up one Sunday at church and referenced Chamberlain’s claim. He said, “I’ve had sex 20,000 times, but it’s been with one person--my wife.” As soon as he said he knew he’d made a mistake. The mental calculators went to work. He and his wife had been married sixteen years. That’s work out to 3.4 times per day!
Sex was God’s idea. He wants us to have lots of it. He just wants it to happen in the context of a marriage covenant. Here’s one of my definitions of sin: meeting a legitimate need in an illegitimate way . The best way not to sin is to meet the need in a legitimate way.
Sex is not just a good thing. It’s a God thing! And we’ve got to be good stewards of our sexuality . That starts with seeing sex the way God sees it. Sex is a sacred covenant between a husband and a wife. Lots of people say that our culture glorifies sex. I think we’ve got it backwards. The truth is that God glorifies sex. Sex is a sacred covenant and if you see it as anything less, then you’re demeaning and degrading something sacred.
When I counsel couples I sometimes ask this question: when are you actually married? Is it when you repeat your vows or exchange rings or when I sign the marriage license? In the eyes of the state , you’re married when a marriage license is signed, sealed, and delivered to the courthouse. But in the eyes of God, sex is what symbolizes and seals a marriage covenant . Now here’s the cool thing for married couples: everytime you have sex you are renewing your marriage covenant with each other!
Marriage Myth #5
The Past is the Past
The past is not the past. The past if part of you. Your family of origin , your background , your sexual history have a huge bearing on who you are.
In Genesis 19, Lot and his family are fleeing Sodom and one of them says, “ Don’t look back , and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!” Then Genesis 19:26 says, “Lot’s wife looked back .”
One of the things I often deal with in counseling couples is sexual history . What if one or both partners have an extensive sexual history? Here’s the best advice I can give you. Talk about it before you get married. Make sure you’ve worked through all the issues and feelings. Make sure you’ve confessed your sin. Make sure you learned from you mistakes. But once you get married, don’t look back . There is always the temptation to dredge up the past, but I Corinthians 13:5 says love “ keeps no record of wrongs .”
What if I’m in a relationship that has crossed some sexual boundaries? You can’t change the past, but you need to reestablish some godly boundaries . It’s very difficult to backpedal in the area of sexuality, but you’ve got to recommit yourself to sexual purity, allow God to empower you, and get some accountability in your life. You may say, “We tried to reestablish some boundaries, but every time I’m at her apartment we fall back into temptation.” Then maybe your problem isn’t sex. Maybe your problem is her apartment.
I think Jesus would say to you exactly what he said to the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8. “Go and sin no more.”
Marriage Myth #6
You Can Change Your Spouse
Before you get married you’ve got to ask and answer this question: would I still marry this person even if they never change? If you have hesitations because of certain qualities or problems or patterns, you need to think twice. I agree with Jerry Seinfeld. He says, “I think when you first start dating they ought to give you three ‘get out of relationship free’ cards.” There is an old aphorism-” the best divorce is the one you get before you get married. “ You’ve got to be able to make an unconditional commitment for better or for worse, just as they are !
Do I believe that people can change? Absolutely! I just don’t advise going into marriage banking on big changes! According to Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott, “ Doom awaits any relationship where one person is trying to change the other into something or someone they aren’t. We can’t tell you how many people we have counseled who believe they can fix their date .” I like the analogy the Parrotts use. “When talking with someone who believes they can change another person we sometimes ask them how difficult it is to lose three pounds to slightly improve their appearance. They generally concede the struggle. We then ask, ‘Now, what’s the likelihood of changing an entire personality ‘?”
What if you already married the person you were going to change? I have two pieces of advice.
First of all, do what God does when he wants us to change . Romans 2:4 is a linchpin in my theology. It’s God’s prescription for change . It says, “God’s kindness leads you toward repentance .” The word “repentance” comes from the Greek word metanoia which means “ change of mind .” When God wants us to change, He doesn’t nag us or threaten us . He shows kindness. And if that doesn’t work? He shows more kindness.
If you want your spouse to change, here’s what I recommend. Don’t nag. Don’t threaten. Do what God does. Be kind to them. What if they don’t change? Show more kindness! I wish I had a three-step, fool-proof formula on how to change your spouse. But I don’t because you can’t. It’s this little thing called free will . All you can do is what God does --be kind and hope that over time your kindness leads to change.
Here’s my second piece of advice: you worry about you . Jesus put it this way in Matthew 7:3. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” If you’ve got problems in your marriage, the first place you need to look is in the mirror . Instead of demanding a better wife maybe you need to focus on being a better husband !
Marriage Myth #7
Marriage Will Complete You
“If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own ,” say Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott, “all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself. “
You can’t give what you don’t have . If you’re incomplete, your relationship will be incomplete! Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend put it this way in their book Boundaries in Marriage. “The requirement for oneness is two complete persons.” They say, “ To the degree that either is less than complete as a person, the oneness will suffer under the strain of that incompleteness.”
Marriage Myth #8
Marriage will make me Happy
Pacy Markham says, “ The great lie is that in order to be happy you have to find someone else. The truth is that unless you are happy yourself, you’re unlikely to be happy in a relationship.”
In his book, Sacred Marriage , Gary Thomas asks a profound question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? “
Marriage Myth #9
We Don’t Need Counseling
I think every marriage hits a bump in the road now and again and counseling couldn’t hurt . Somtimes we’re too proud or too embarrassed to admit that we’ve got a problem, but the ability to admit a problem is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength !
Marriage Myth #10
The Little Things Are Little Things
The little things are the big things! Some marraiges have big problems , but most marriages just need some little changes that, over time, will make a big difference.
Marian Edelman says, “We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we cannot foresee.”
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you start thinking about what you can do to improve your marriage, but what you need to do is focus on a few things that will make a big difference. Maybe you need to practice “daily reintroduction.” Turn off the TV and spend that time talking. Maybe you need to reestablish sexual boundaries. Maybe you need to seek out counseling. Maybe you need to put some time and energy into romance.
One last thought. I was at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago and a middle-aged woman walked by and saw me looking at books in the relationship section. She said in a relatively loud voice, almost like an announcement to the entire store, “ There’s hope - a man in the relationship section. “ Here’s what I know about relationships: they don’t happen by default. They take lots of hard work. You’ve got to spend some time in the relationship section! Spend some time this week thinking of one or two or three things you can do to invest in your marriage!