The Dos and Don’ts of Dating
From the Series—Boy Meets Girl
February 20, 2003This evotional continues our Boy Meets Girl series. Next week’s evotional will explore Marriage Myths . This week’s evotional focuses on The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating .
First things first. When it comes to relationships, there is no formula . The mystery of relationships can’t be reduced to “seven simple steps to find your soulmate.” Every relationship is unique !
Oswald Chamber’s proverbial advice applies to romantic relationships. He said, “ Let God be as original with others as he was with you .” Some people think that if you don’t worship the way they worship you aren’t worshipping at all. In the same sense, some people think that if you don’t date or court the way they date or court you’re dating or courting the wrong way!
There is a guiding principle in Romans 14:1 that has broad application, but it’s especially pertinent to our discussion on dating. It says “ Don’t pass judgment on disputable matters .” What are disputable matters? Disputable matters are those things that Scripture does not clearly spell out as being “ black or white .” They are “ gray “ areas.
There are two mistakes we need to avoid:
Don’t call something “ gray “ that Scripture calls “ black or white “
Don’t call something “ black or white “ that Scripture calls “ gray “
I have no hesitations saying sex is sacred and ought to be enjoyed within the boundaries of a marriage covenant . I have no hesitations saying you shouldn’t be unequally yoked --don’t marry someone that you aren’t spiritually compatible with. Why? Because Scripture is “black and white” on those issues. Romans 14:22 says, “ Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves .” In other words, don’t call something “gray” that Scripture calls “black and white.”
At the same time, don’t call something “black and white” that Scripture calls “gray.” And the truth is: a lot of “dating issues” fall into the gray area . Does that mean that we wander aimlessly? Not at all. Romans 14:7 has this to say about disputable matters. It says, “ Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind .” You need to develop some thoughtful convictions when it comes to dating, but you also need to give some latitude for others to develop their own thoughtful convictions .
Joshua Harris says, “ The Bible doesn’t provide a one-size-fits-all program for moving from friendship to marriage . Our lives are too different , our circumstances too unique , and our God too creative to have only one formula for romance. The various ways in which God brings men and women together, like the unique designs of snowflakes, are never quite the same. But just as a one-of-a-kind snowflake can only form at a specific temperature and precipitation, a God-honoring romance can only form when we follow godly patterns and principles .”
While “dating,” as we know it, wasn’t part of the ancient cultures of Scripture, there are some “dating” principles in a variety of biblical passages. Genesis 24 is a good place to start.
God is a matchmaker
Abraham has a “dying wish.” He has his servant, Eliezer, swear an oath to find a wife for his son, Isaac. It had to feel like “ Mission Impossible. “ Eliezer goes someplace he’s never been to find someone he’s never met . But Abraham reminds him that God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time.
Abraham said in Genesis 24:7, “The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father’s household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath saying, ‘To your offspring I will give this land’-- he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there .”
To fully appreciate what Abraham is saying you have to go back to Genesis 22. It’s Abraham who was ready to sacrifice his son when God provided a ram in the thicket . Abraham named the place “ The Lord will Provide .” Just as God provided a ram for his son , Abraham trusted God to provide a wife for his son.
The “ personal ad “ industry rakes in $5 billion in revenue annually. Over 16 million Americans visited online dating sites in 2002. Those numbers reveal that a lot of people are desperately seeking for their soul mate. Here’s the great news for a follower of Christ. You don’t have to find Mr. or Ms. Right. That doesn’t mean you’re a passive part of the process , but ultimately, God is responsible for finding and revealing “the one.” God is a matchmaker.
Our primary calling is not to “ seek a spouse .” Our primary calling is to seek God. And it comes with a promise. Matthew 6:33 says, “ Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you as well .” This promise applies to every arena of life, including romantic relationships. If you are in right relationship with God you will meet the right person at the right time at the right place . You worry about seeking God and God will worry about finding a spouse .
In Genesis 24:12, Eliezer prays, “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, give me success today . See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. May it be that when I say to a girl, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink, and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too,’--let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac.” Eliezer prays like it depends on God , but he is not passive. That’s bring us to the second dating principle.
Watch From the Shadows
Genesis 24:21 is some of the best advice you’ll find on dating. “ Without saying a word , the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey successful.”
Before you date or court, you need to spend some time observing from the shadows . Watch how a person acts and reacts in different situations. Are there any red flags or warning signs ? Is this the kind of person you’d be friends with even if there was no romantic relationship? Do they posses the “ must have “ qualities? What about the “ can’t stand “ qualities?
People often ask me how and when I knew my wife was “ the one .” To be perfectly honest, I knew it before we started dating. How can you “know” before you’ve ever dated someone? I knew because I’d spent months “observing” Lora in different settings and situations . It’s not like I had a clipboard and “checklist,” but I had my antennae up. I knew she wasn’t just beautiful. She was a person of character. Of course, I had months to observe, in part, because it took me that long to muster up the courage to ask her out!
Why not apply Colossians 4:2 to your dating life? “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful .”
The Watering Camels Test
Eliezer devises a fascinating strategy for finding a wife for Isaac--I call it the “ watering camels “ test. He prays, “May it be that when I say to a girl, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too ‘--let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac.”
There is no question that Rebekah was beautiful. Genesis 24:16 says, “This girl was very beautiful.” But Eliezer is looking for character --someone who is willing to go the extra mile and not just give him a drink, but water his camels as well. For what it’s worth, camels can store up to thirty gallons for their long dessert treks. Even if they were only “half empty,” that’s still 150 gallons of water to “fill up” Eliezer’s entourage of camels.
Samuel Smiles says, “ As the daylight can be seen through very small holes , so little things will illustrate a person’s character . Indeed, character consists in little acts, well and honorably performed .”
I don’t think Rebekah had any idea that she was being “watched” or “tested.” She was just being Rebekah. But Gregg Harris makes a great observation about Rebekah in an article titled “ The Adventure of Current Obligations .” He says, “Rebekah was able to meet God’s divine appointment for her life because she was faithfully carrying out her current obligations .” She went the extra mile serving Eliezer and ended up the wife of Isaac and mother of a boy and a nation named Israel.
Don’t Just Sit There
The scariest phone call I ever made was the first phone call to my wife, Lora. I wanted to ask her out, but there was no guarantee she’d say “yes.” Besides that, her dad was my pastor and I was afraid he’d answer the phone. It took all the courage I had within me to dial those seven digits, but I made the call and the rest is history--we’ve been married more than a decade, have three kids, lots of wonderful memories, and a lifetime in front of us. But it all traces back to that first phone call .
Eliezer doesn’t just sit around. He’s got a plan. And it’s a pretty good plan. He knows exactly where to go to meet women--” the well. “ This is where all the women would come to draw water.
One common question or complaint I get from people is this: where do I go to find Mr. or Ms. Right? I don’t think church is a “ dating service ,” but can you think of a better place to find someone? If spiritual compatibility is at the top of your “ must have “ list, can you think of better place to go to find Mr. or Ms. Right? It sure beats the club, the personal ads, the online dating sites, and the Bachelorette. The church is “ the well .”
If your motive in coming to church is solely to find a spouse, then your motives are wrong. Your primary motivation ought to be to seek God . But my question is this: if you can’t find Mr. or Ms. Right in church, where are you going to find them? There is nothing wrong with watching and praying . And there is nothing wrong with taking the initiative to start a relationship.
Genesis 24:17 records an ancient pick up line . Eliezer says, “Please give me a little water from your jar.” It may not be history’s greatest pick up line, but he initiatives a conversation.
Initiation
The Old Testament book of Ruth is a story about the romance of Ruth and Boaz. Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, gives her this advice in Ruth 3:2, “Tonight he will be winnowing barley on the threshing floor. Wash and perfume yourself , and put on your best clothes . Go down to the threshing floor, but don’t let him know you are there until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, note the place where he is lying. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do .”
This may sound seductive or manipulative , but you have to put it in context. Boaz had seen Ruth sweat as she gleaned the fields, but he’d never seen the “romantic” Ruth. Naomi is simply advising Ruth to show him another side. Besides that, it was not uncustomary in that culture for a servant to lie at the feet of their master. There is no sexual indiscretion here.
One of the questions that comes up consistently on the topic of dating is this: is it alright for a woman to express interest or initiative a relationship ? News flash: men don’t just have 20% more bone density than women. We’re denser in lots of ways! I don’t think Boaz had any idea that Ruth had a romantic interest. But Ruth put the ball in Boaz’s court by making her interest very evident.
Ruth 3:10 is very revealing. Boaz says, “ You have not run after younger men, whether rich or poor .” That one statement speaks volumes. His words reveal an insecurity or uncertainty . Evidently, he perceived Ruth as being “ out of his league “ because he felt “ too old .”
Risk Your Heart
I recently got an email from an NCCer following a message on guarding your heart . Here’s what he wrote:
Pastor Mark,
Your sermon about guarding one’s heart was a difficult one for me to
listen to because that sermon was a huge reason why a girl I was seeing broke up with me. We had only been dating for a short while but, the words she used in our last discussion as a couple seemed like direct quotes from your sermons. Frankly, it was difficult for me to sit there and listen to you the next Sunday. I don’t tell you these things because I’m upset because God placed those truths on your heart to tell. It’s just hard for me to understand what’s going on in my life. It’s been 5 years since God brought a Christian woman into my life. I really can’t explain it. I did everything possible to give this relationship to God and He took it away. After a couple of rough weeks I’m fine. I’m praying for her more than ever. I fear she may guard her heart so much that she may never risk it either .
You’ve got to know when to guard your heart and when to risk your heart . And that takes discernment . What if Ruth hadn’t risked her heart? For starters, there’d be no King David--Ruth and Boaz’s great-grandson.
Relationships don’t come with 100% money-back guarantees ! They involve risk and faith and uncertainty and complexity. Don’t throw caution to the wind. You’ve got to use your head in matters of the heart . But if you never risk your heart for the right reasons at the right time with the right person you’ll never experience love!
There comes a point where you’ve got to do what Eliezer did. Eliezer lays it on the line in Genesis 24:33. “I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say .” Here’s a novel idea: if you like someone, tell them. It’s risky. It’s scary. But in the words of Saint Augustine, “ It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all .”
In a monumental step of faith, Rebekah makes a decision to marry a man she’s never met . While I don’t recommend the method, I admire the faith. She said in Genesis 24:58, “ I will go .” She risked her heart and changed the course of history!